Packaging. It's all about the packaging. Good packaging. Bad packaging. I even got word on the street that there is actually packaging that sucks(
!!). Who knew!
For the sake of me pulling something vaguely packaging-related out of the dark recesses of my waning creativity, we're going to consider fashion as packaging. For the moment that is now anyway. It's packaging for the tired, old bones contained within, so it just might work.
Even in my twilight years, nothing is more pleasing to wear than a black t-shirt with musical imagery of artists that don't suck. I've always enjoyed wearing these shirts even in my formative years as a wee lad (that has nothing to do with piss, smartass). Back in the days of my youth, I had a handful of shirts with iron-on images of Kiss since that style was about the only thing available in this one-horse town. Eventually, I upgraded to shirts of Cheap Trick, AC/DC, and countless others. The list is practically endless and really, that isn't the point of this shit that I assume you are still reading.
At some point in my life, these shirts that once only essentially proclaimed "This band played the area recently and they don't suck, even though the area does" got a bit more confrontational and yes, even vulgar.
My first memory of the potential for vulgarity on the rock and roll t-shirt is when my cousin wore an AC/DC shirt to a middle school gym class. This shirt was a snazzy little number allegedly for their Euro tour and had a listing of the songs on Back In Black on the back of the shirt. The powers that be apparently had problems with a shirt featuring the phrase "Let Me Put My Love Into You" among others. He was no doubt scolded and definitely made to turn the shirt wrong side out for the rest of the class period. This is an early example of being stifled by the man. That man can be quite the bastard.
Cut to March of 1984 and the event in question was a Kiss concert with the German band, Accept, opening the show. This was before I was a terror of the roadways, so my mom and my aunt dropped myself and the aforementioned cousin off at the show. They had shopped and had dinner then went back to the Roberts Stadium parking lot to retrieve their kids. As they saw the concert attendees streaming out, they noticed several folks that bought an Accept shirt with the then-current
album artwork on the front and a brick wall with the album's title, Balls To The Wall, on the back of the shirt. From what I've heard, there was a sister-to-sister pact that if either of their sons bought such a shirt that there was indeed no way in Hell that they'd allow their boys to wear the shirt in public or at any family gathering. Of course, both of us bought the shirt. We wore it with pride and the pseudo
gay leather-boy imagery was lost on us at such an early age. Ah, the innocence of youth. For what it's worth (approximately $3.23 on the Canadian black market), we wore those shirts to school, but I don't ever recall wearing it on Easter Sunday or even Groundhog's Day.
The next offensive shirt requires a pained confession from the author. I will admit that I willingly attended a Van Halen show with Sammy Hagar fronting the band in 1986. In order to right this heinous wrong, I will add that this was before the pile of shit that is 5150 was released and since that time, I realize that Yoko Hagar fucked everything up. If it ain't Dave, it ain't Van Halen to me. I digress. I attended the show and I had the absolute audacity to buy the obligatory concert shirt that said "Van Halen Kicks Ass" on the back. I wore it to school the next day, but I also wore a jacket to cover up the blatant lie on the back of said shirt. I should customize it to change "kicks" to "sucks" and all would be right with the world. No photo will be provided, because Van Hagar isn't worth the effort it would take to look for the shirt. Fuck 'em.
Those are the only borderline offensive shirts that I remember from that particular time period. There could very well be others that are currently escaping me at the moment. As the 90s entered the radar, so did additional obnoxious t-shirts in my collection. One of my favorites at the time was acquired when I saw White Zombie play a tiny club in Evansville, Indiana in August of 1992. And because I am so incredibly generous, you good people get a story pertaining to the White Zombie shirt.
I don't have an image of the exact shirt, but the shirt has a big
devil's head on the front. It also had the La Sexorcisto: Devil's Music Vol. 1 album title on there somewhere. While that is enough to send some folks into spasms of disgust, it is the back that was the real piece of work. It was simply the phrase "I Went To Hell And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt" in a simply lovely yellow font.
On with the accompanying story. In '92 or '93, I did television production work at the local community college station. One day I found myself standing outside the studio waiting for the fearless leader to unlock the door. I got a few dirty looks, if not flat out obnoxious hard eyes, from a few people milling into the classroom next door. What I didn't realize when I got all duded up for the day is that this day was the day for Baptist Student Union meetings and I am standing outside their door wearing a shirt that says "I Went To Hell And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt." It was completely unintentional...I promise. Unintentional, but I still chuckle about it to this day. And I wondered why the Gideons were always so adamant that I take the Bible.
1992 was also the year that I saw one of those shows totally blew my doors off of the hinges. It was the Rollins Band with
Corrosion of Conformity opening. C.O.C. were certainly great and gave me the opportunity to buy a happy little shirt featuring their title "Vote With A Bullet" on the back. I considered wearing this to a local visit by a presidential candidate at the time, but figured Secret Service wouldn't find it nearly as funny as I do. I also bought a Rollins Band shirt (the first of many as I am a big fan of
Henry Rollins) with the band's logo and the words "Silence Sucks" on the front. When I paid my current employer their first visit, I already had the job and was simply coming in for some training. When I met with the head honcho of the ITV department, he and his assistant asked me to sit down. They began to ask several questions like where I saw myself in 5-10 years and bonehead shit like that. It was at that point when I realized that I was sitting in a job interview wearing a black t-shirt that said "Silence Sucks." They say "Dress to impress" and I guess I did, because that was 1993 and I still work here. Hell, they even gave me an
office. I still prefer to dress to distress. It's much more entertaining.
Another shirt/story combo meal from that very same time frame. Mother Love Bone were and are one of my all-time favorite bands. From the moment I laid eyes on the magazine advert, I knew that I would like any band called Mother Love Bone with a song called Half Ass Monkey Boy. That combination all but promised that it would be great. So it was a great day when my path crossed with a MLB shirt that had
this on the back. I loved that shirt and wore it all the time. The amusing thing here is that I wore it a lot to the previously mentioned TV studio and apparently it was enough for one of the faculty to remember it many years after the fact. I was back on the campus 8-ish years later and I hear the instructor say "WILD ASS MONKEY BOY!" Close, but no cigar. It was close enough to feel like I'd made a difference in life.
Obviously, the 1992-3 years were absolutely fertile with smutty rawk shirts. After
Brain and I heard Tool's Opiate EP in a local music shop (RIP Cat's), I caught Tool on the second stage at Lollapalooza '93. It was around that time that I acquired this
gem of a shirt.
But let it be known that the golden age of smutty t-shirts is not limited strictly to the 1990's. I've since added a few other jewels to the Obnoxious Shirt Hall of Fame. I had to resort to eBay bidding to get a shirt with the
famous photo of Johnny Cash on the front. It's amusing because I was told that I would probably get arrested for wearing this one out in public and everyone seems to comment positively when I do.
Although somewhat mild in comparison to the hellions of White Zombie and the artsy smut-mongers of Mother Love Bone,
I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch In The House have a
nifty shirt that everyone should own as a part of their formal wear. Head over to their website and pick one up along with all of their CDs. You've been moderately good this year and Santa thinks you should have them.
Lest you think
Kentucky's finest don't have a few items of kick ass apparel that could potentially raise hackles, I say take a look-see at
this beauty. It, too, belongs in your wardrobe, even if you're not from Kentucky. It will tell the world that you have
fine taste in music as the gents in Nine Pound Hammer are musical gods among mere mortals.
You're probably not going to see too many
Nashville Pussy shirts at church revivals or wedding receptions. I'm not sure why that is, but it seems to be the way of the world. The band name alone is sure to piss some people off, but
this shirt that I picked up the last time they played Nashville could possibly be considered offensive. It was a tough choice between the motorcycle shirt and
this one which has such a subtle, yet positive message. I may treat myself to an early Christmas gift and
order one for my damn self.
Any of these examples are additional proof that
my packaging indeed sucks!!
