I Hear Your Packaging Sucks!!

Loud and clear baby. Loud and clear.

“Thoughts of a Gentleman Shopper” – or – “Get Up! And Let The Grandma Grab Your Rear!”

*impressed* Whoa. Now there’s a lady (an older woman) who has obviously taken care of herself (over the years).

*seconds later* Shit! There’s a lady (young hottie) that I would quickly volunteer to assist in taking care of.

*around the corner in the pharmacy section* Yes Mr. John Deere, go ahead and inch your cart forward up that lady’s ass so I won’t cut in line. *shakes head*

*looking at the floor down a few aisles after hearing the loudspeaker request the sales people to their areas to remove products from floor* Dear God, all that shit on the floor and they had to announce it to be picked up? *trips over suckily packaged toy*

*turns corner down action figure aisle nearly running into very old woman* Not only did she clearly NOT take care of herself all these years, I have to be the one to get behind her.

*looking at Star Wars action figures after old lady is gone* Uh oh. Look pissed because you obviously have the eyes of an interested mother on your backside and by the silhouette of her hair, she is not your type. That’s it, scan left to right, right to left…find that all-important action figure! No you’re not going to buy one, but she doesn’t know. Uh oh, she’s slowing down…pull the fake-out move with the “There it is…NO…that’s not the one.” It worked, exhale, she’s moved on.

*looking back to see if Silhouette of Hair Test worked* Wrinkles nose. Right on the money.

*realizing he does need a small Star Wars action figure for a birthday cake topper* Oooh, these are cute! He’ll love it.

*leaving the action figure aisle after the Star Wars score and out into the main aisle* Shit. There’s grandma again and I can’t steer around. *Thinking of Sammy Hagar* Well there’s too much traffic, I can’t pass, HEY!

*Gradma hangs a left and he moves on* Hey, check out those two…oooh, never mind. Damn.

*moving towards the dairy section* Does everyone have to move for the Dean’s at the same fucking time!! No, I’m not slowing down jackass, put your shit in park.

*backing away from the milk and heading towards the chips* Grandma back in the line of fire again? How the fuck does she do that? Is she a secret fucking shopper or some security bitch just out of retirement?

*fast forward to checkout* WELL MOTHERFUCKER. If this bastard with his three boxes of spaghetti noodles but only one jar of sauce had remembered his glasses he would be able to SEE what buttons he wants instead of hitting the $60 cash back button. I hope I’m behind his ass in traffic or I may have his SUV inched up my ass. I'm so blogging his SUV driving ass.

*two blocks north of store stopped next to a bus stop* That’s what I thought. That dude (at the bus stop) is actually wearing a WWF toy wrestling belt. He has stubble and a beer belly, but he’s wearing a plastic belt that… *shakes head*

*back at home, conversing with Bone Machine via email concerning recent trip to Wal-mart* It actually wasn’t too bad today.

thou shalt not bear false and sucky packaging!! - Final Installment

You are not alone.

Judge not others for their sucky packaging. Stress not from your own packaging that sucks. Accept your sucky packaging, it is a part of you and it connects us all.

Because:

ALL God's Chil'en Got Sucky Packaging!!

-Yes. Mr. Bloggerific Himself is happy to see you.

The newest dance craze shakin' the nation...

Do the Nutsack.

Make your own joke, folks. 

Hollow Weenie

Since we've moved the workplace and share a campus with the local community college, we're adapting to their ways. One of the events they have in October is a chili cook-off and each building picks a theme and wears costumes reflecting said theme.

Being somewhat out there (big surprise there, huh?), I got to work yesterday and told them about my costume idea. I have no clue what the theme is yet, but regardless of the theme, I said I will dress as Elvis Presley. They gave an unimpressed "big deal" kind of looks since millions of folks dress as Elvis and many make it their job. However, I added "Since Elvis is dead, he doesn't go to his workplace anymore. Like Elvis, I won't show up that day. Maybe I will make a random appearance after that just to keep it interesting."

I got several sets of dirty looks after that one.

thou shalt not bear false and sucky packaging!! - Part II

In the future pop culture icons will be buried in shopping malls.

Down, or up in this case, with sucky packaging!!

thou shalt not bear false and sucky packaging!! - Part I

Command sucky packaging to kneel down before you!

Never Accept Free Hair Care Products From An Insane Woman.

The Bloggerific Office Line-Up

When you're asked to go work out of town, your office is left wide open for anyone to have a little fun. This is what I returned to find after the most recent trip to Christian County, KY. I had to laugh, because office packaging does indeed suck.

1. Phone (junk)
2. Electric stapler (junk)
3. Picture of boy x 2
4. Scanner
5. Tape
6. Hand Gel
7. Mouse pad #2
8. Candle (Banana nut) Enzo action figure (as in “Reboot”) and stacked collection of water bottle caps and lotion
9. Monitor and peach Propel
10. Keyboard and Robin (as in “Batman and”) and Megabytte (as in “Reboot”)
11. I seemed to have skipped using this number, I apologize
12. Chinese Yo Yo and picture of boy and Palm cradle and handmade glass paperweight
13. Chair
14. Hardcore PC User’s Crotch Fan and compressed air and USB hub
15. Mouse pad #1 (with picture of boy) mouse
16. Window where some jackass opened the shade without my permission

Happy Birthday To 1/3 Of The Angels!!

Please assist me in wishing The Brunette of The Angels a Happy Birthday and send out a YPS!! saaaaa-luuuuuuute.

(And to give a little background so that a certain someone is even more encouraged to do so...The Brunette shall be seeing Jimmy Buffet as part of her birthday celebratory shenanigans.)

Quote of the Day

"The Internet is just CB radio for the '00's."

Goodbye CafePress!

As of now, the CafePress.com link is no more. Funny how after I send them an email requesting black shirts...so we can sell more of their lovely product...they shoot themselves in the foot by doing the following. Goodbye CafePress!

Dear Shopkeeper,

Thank you for using CafePress.com! But...

As you may know, CafePress.com provides a service to a rich and vibrant community of international users. From time to time, we review the content in our shopkeepers accounts to confirm that the content being used in connection with the sale of products are in compliance with our policies, including our Content Usage Policy (CUP). "SEE YOU PEE??"

We recently learned that your CafePress.com account contains material which may not be in compliance with our policies. Specifically, designing, manufacturing, marketing and/or selling products that may infringe the rights of a third party, including, copyrights (e.g., an image of a television cartoon character), trademarks (e.g., the logo of a company), "rights in gross" (e.g., the exclusive right of the U.S. Olympic Committee to use the "Olympic Rings"), and rights of privacy and publicity (e.g., a photo of a celebrity) are prohibited.

Accordingly, we have set the content that we believe to be questionable to "pending status" which disables said content from being displayed in your shop or purchased by the public.

You may review the content set to pending status by logging into your CafePress.com account and clicking on the "Media Basket" link. The content set to pending status will be highlighted red. Please visit our Content Usage Policy (CUP) for additional information regarding your use of the CafePress.com service. Once there, you may access our Copyright, Trademark & Intellectual Property Guidelines and FAQ's for more detailed information regarding Intellectual Property Rights.

We apologize for any inconvenience that the removal of your content may have caused you.

Please let us know if we can be of further assistance.

Sincerely,

Content Usage Associate CafePress.com

Only in Kentucky.

The local newspaper has bits of news from the extreme past, so courtesy of the Messenger-Inquirer...

The funeral services over the remains of Mrs. John W. Alves, who was thought to have died Aug. 16, 1905, at the family home on Second Street in Henderson, were postponed on account of some appearances of life that were discovered just before the services were to have been held.

Signs of circulation seemed to appear on the forehead of the deceased, and after further investigation the hands seemed to bear some signs of life. Dr. Ben Letcher was called in to examine the remains. Dr. Letcher did not think there were any signs of life, but the funeral was postponed until yesterday morning. Though there was little hope of still remaining life, the members of the family of the deceased thought it best to postpone the funeral.

The Beefy T

You know the name, you know the quality of…The Beefy T. You may also know they make them in black.

What you may not know however is that http://www.designashirt.com allows you to choose the black Beefy T and upload images for printing your own freaking shirt at not too insulting of a price.

And what you also may not know, but may not give a flying shit about, is that I have taken the Gnome to the nighttime world and have provided the following links for anyone desperate enough to wear a customized shirt with our crap on it…can now do so.

Please be nice and tasteful if you choose to tell people via clothing that their packaging sucks!! I mean, come on people, have some fucking *belch* manners!


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v112/sync22master/packaginglogowhitelinkblckbkground.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v112/sync22master/signlanguagewhitelinkblkbkground.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v112/sync22master/tripblack.jpg


I’m sure there are other options out there, but I have only tried CafePress and as we know, they don’t do black. In fact, here is what they have to say (and in just a few hours too! – I DO LIKE CafePress, it’s just they don’t have black):

Hello XXXXXXXX,

Thank you for contacting Cafepress.com!

We apppreciate your interest in our products and services. At this
time, the technology available for our type of printing limits our
color selection. The print procedure used for our merchandise is
designed for preparing items with a light background. Any black
apparel you see posted on the site has been produced elsewhere and we
are providing a fulfillment service for those products. All other
items are print on demand. While we hope to have a wide selection of
colored items available in the newar future, we are still in the
process of testing products and methods. We hope this information is
helpful, please let us know if we can be of further assistance.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXXX
Cafepress.com
Customer Support

Foam, Pink Foam -or- I'm Fat, I'm Poor, I'm Depressed Therefore I Bake

Listen to me postings, if yee dare!

Porbited.

All it took was one swig from the YPS!! cup and the king started making fart noises into the microphone. Your Packaging Sucks!!--We bring good things to life. 

Hippy Packaging

With us young bloggolites in mind...

I Used Cyan from Cheyenne

I used cyan from Cheyenne
to recolor Venus
I flew to Mars
on chocolate bars
Flyin higher and higher
and halfway between us
was a million miles
of chocolate chip piles

I used cyan from Cheyenne
to recolor Venus
I’m a pastry gone bad
now ain’t that just sad?
All drippy and runny
and not so much funny
All hard inside
within tough hide

I used cyan from Cheyenne
to recolor Venus
A candy apple donkey
became my peppermint ride
By accident he drank
cyanide
If you see him there
won’t you straighten his hair?

I used cyan from Cheyenne
to recolor Venus
I used licorice for lassos
to tie ‘em up in Glasgow
Twizzlers I swore
make for good tug-of-war
Oh, and Nerds are best
to wake giants from rest

I used cyan from Cheyenne
to recolor Venus
Dragons on Red Hots
quickly recharge
One named Custard
lost his mustard
in hasty retreat
from marshmallow treats

I used cyan from Cheyenne
to recolor Venus
With powerful bonbons
Genghis Kahn be gone
My pixy stick claws
left a powerless Jaws
I replaced Hulk’s green
with a Fun Dip red sheen

And I giggled my way through the slop
and the mess
But looking for what?
More confections I guess!

Oh…
I used cyan from Cheyenne
to recolor Venus…



This was written from parts of email conversations with bloggers and requested input from co-workers.
-Mr. Bloggerific Himself, 08092005

Look At It This Way

Things haven’t always been pleasant between today and yesterday. But there have always been people I could lean on, and I have, from time to time, made efforts to be available to return the favor. For me, the upside-down moments often bring more clarity and understanding than the instances of banality. It’s all a balancing act, and I don’t have the best coordination or patience.

Swampy spoke about mimosa and pawpaw trees recently and of all the trees I don’t know, those are the two I do. It would be a discredit to my past not to think of them here as I often do elsewhere.

Photo - At the time, those were the best lookin’ britches I owned and those were the two best buds a guy could have. These days I have no idea where the one with four eyes is, but the one with four legs had a …negative ending. The mimosa tree that almost made the picture was in the family yard and also met with a negative end. The lightening didn’t kill it, well, not right away. But it did make a nice hole at the V and allowed a tunnel to form all the way to the roots where one day an eruption of black ants poured up through. The pink flowers and tiny leaves wouldn’t be around much longer.

Writing – This was done over 4 years ago. A little at a time and then printed and hung in an 8x10 for Mom. It talks about the fruits of times past, and of a pawpaw tree in my grandparents’ yard. It hangs on the wall in Mom and Dad’s house and I check it out every time I go to visit them. (Which isn’t as often as it should be.)



Turning the Quiet Down

Mom was in the hospital
Said she had cancer
I stayed at Mammaw’s
Quiet leads to worry

Kids my Mammaw sat
Both younger and bothersome
Travis glued to cartoons
Jenny floated like a helium balloon

Sundays we’d cross the gravel drive
From her place to his
Pressure-cooked chicken
Half-dozen egg corn bread

Sweat dripped from metal cups of instant tea
Ringed with rubber bands for extra grip
The tin-roofed cinderblock two-room house
Echoed with black-and-white TV preachers

Days were bus rides to Kresgies for window-shopping
Sitting in the swing under the trees
My bare toes would catch the blocks below
Nearly causing the swing to upset

Lots of nothing was said over and over
Between repeated stories of the past
Fruit from the Pawpaw tree grew
Near the outdoor toilet I refused to enter

The roar of disruption came
As the mill next door reluctantly woke
Never lasting as long as the ride uphill
The motorcycle gang made as they rumbled by

John Lennon was shot on my birthday
The DJ told our bus stop
Liberace and Lawrence Welk helped cool
Fence mending and trash burning

Taking our pick from the garden was payment
For use of the land they were unable to work
Mammaw spent days waxing her fading trailer
And taking Polaroids of her new riding mower

I was good when I was still and safe
In my Dennis the Menace blanket
She spanked me one night for knocking on the wall
Making her think someone was there

I cried to myself in the tiny bathroom
They wouldn’t take me to visit my Mom
I wondered what was so bad
That I shouldn’t see

The doctors gave Mom a rubber ball
To work out the soreness of the procedure
I still carry around the ball of guilt I got
For asking her if I could have it

I don’t talk about those days much anymore
Without wondering why and how come
I just know I’m glad it all worked out
And think about turning the quiet down

Jesus...It's Elvis. At least, I assume that it's supposed to be Jesus and Elvis. It could be Ted Nugent (circa 1977) and Glenn Danzig for all I know. 

Kitty & Bridezilla's Virtual Vacation To Owensboro

Once Kitty & Bridezilla arrived, it was non-stop, thrill-packed action from the get-go. First stop, the land of plenty. Bone Machine and I showed off Owensboro's finest in quality packaging.

Next I decided to show the girls my softer side. Yes I have one. See, at one time, I actually rode a bicycle quite a bit. Having remembered how Kitty made her booty sore with a recent bike ride, what a perfect time to show of the collection of patches I earned as a child...while riding a bike. Sports=evil<>bike riding

Of course the ladies were starving after the thrilling experiences thus far, so we decided to take them to a fine dining establishment. They were THRILLED with the selection (As seen on the counter display).

Despite our pleas, Bone Machine and I could never get the girls to reveal their true identity. We checked, and our pits didn't stink, so we're not sure what's up. We are sure however, they were smiling behind the masks. Giggling a lot too as I remember. Pointing! Hey! They were pointing and giggling too!

Finally, we showed them what fun is all about.

Whew! What a ride. Bone Machine? Push me that fast again and I'll kick your ass! (I get vertigo.)

We Like To Do Things Early 'Roundchere

Happy Birthday Theresa, with your early birthday packaging and all!!

Strike up the band!