Boney the Obnoxious Guy.

One of the big catch-phrases of the last few moments is a particularly annoying bunch of shit that everyone has heard, said, and/or hated. Yes, friends, it's fifteen minutes of fame seem to have dragged on for what must be eight decades now.

Git-R-Done.

It's my theory that you can piss in any general direction at any given time of day or night and hit a car with some form of the Git-R-Done merchandising on it. Chances are good that you can hit it with a direct piss-stream and not rely on a urinary ricochet or splashback. If you get fancy, you can do some kind of Annie Oakley-esque trick shots and hit your target. Hopefully if you're lucky, you'll hit the vehicle and the driver. If there is a question on which one to target, aim for the driver.

The phrase wasn't quite as lame when it was first uttered by the comedian who shan't be named here (no offense to him, but he sure as shit ain't no Richard Pryor). The problem is when the rest of the world took a shine to it and before long, it was spotted on everything from the bumpers of rusted out '84 Chevettes to baseball caps sold exclusively at truck stops. Even little old ladies with a solid Ivy League education were saying the shit and Pakistani pimps began using it in their advertisements. More accurately, I hear the shit way too fucking much in my daily travels. Sure, it's Kentucky, but still. We do have standards, even though they may be low as a snake's ballsack in the worn-out ruts of the state's highway system.

So when I hear someone use the "Git-R-Done" thing, I have a little catch phrase that I like to share with them. It has survived the test of time and has reached classic status. That phrase is "Fuck you."

It's Long Overdue, But It's Time For A Guest Post!!

I actually pulled up your blog to report a case of sucky packaging. I laughed when I saw your pretzel comment, because pretzels are what I came to complain about. J.R. Dippers pretzels and cheese snacks's packaging sucks. You can't pull the plastic off the top of the container without the pretzels flying out all over the place! Just wanted you to know...

-Lynn from Spilling Ink (and pretzels)

Don't choke on your pretzel, it's a quote of the day.

"Let the bitch sag."

Your Bug Packaging Is Full Of Suckessoucity!!

Last night.



This morning.

GO GO GO!! BUY BUY BUY!!

CLICKIT!!

In This Town

You can go to your favorite Chinese restaurant that you’ve been frequenting all these years. You can sit down with family and watch the smile of your 4 year old nephew brighten in protest as you add a slice of lemon to the over-sized lazy Susan as it quickly makes its rounds. You can give your dad a hard time about not sharing the sweet and sour sauce as he applies 4 drops-per-bite to his egg roll. You can try to time your jokes with the eating patterns of your mother so as not to cause her to choke on her food as she does at every meal. You can marvel at the news that your lanky yet cool nephew has a beauty-pageant-winning girlfriend as his mother dotes on. You can look on at your brother’s failed attempts to gain the attention of that same 4 year old at the table as you effortlessly make him giggle, again, as you hold up your hand with an imaginary cheeseburger in a return cheeseburger-salute. You can sympathize with your sister’s lament over this year’s magazine drive even though the schools, they gotta raise them dollis. You can gaze past your paranoid father’s head, just between his nose and his egg roll, to the table behind him in an attempt to recognize a familiar face. You can understand your father’s concern for the safety of your aging mother and she is determined to round the table to visit with the little one. You can shrink in horror as you notice your mother going over, instead, to the table with the woman with the familiar face. You can hear the gentleman with his back turned ask, “Do you have a son named Bloggy?” You can then take pride in your keen ability to recognize voices. You can confidently walk over and announce, “…it was his voice that allowed me to recognize you as The (Insert last name of girlfriend from some 15 years ago).” You can laugh and smile and catch up on old times. You can be shocked as the old man asks, “Do you still cook? Do you remember how you cooked us all that marvelous Chinese food?”

You can drive down the road listening to the new Dylan and realize how you can miss people that were never really gone.

All, in this town.

Quotin' & Shit...updated for your Monday pleasure.

"Today is the greatest..."

That Billy Corgan is full of shit.


(This vulgarity is served up with a friendly reminder to tune in to David Letterman's show on Monday evening to see YPS!!'s pal and all-around musical genius, Tommy Womack, perform in Todd Snider's band.)

UPDATE!!

Letterman Update
Monday August 28th 2006, 7:49 am
Filed under: News
I’m in New York at the Park Central Hotel right now. Just had a great Thai dinner with Will, Molly, Paul, Peter and Peter’s wife Charlotte. Here’s what’s up for tomorrow. I just recently found this out. Dave tapes TWO shows on Monday: Monday night’s show and FRIDAY night’s show. My understanding is that the show we tape tomorrow will air Friday night. To be on the safe side, I’d say stay up late enough to see who the musical guest is Monday night, and if it’s not Todd, then you’ll know we’ll be on Friday. And with that, I bid you good night from the city that never sleeps. My goodness. Letterman. The Ed Sullivan Theater. These are the kinds of things that have always happened to other people, not me. And now it’s me. All I can think to compare the feeling to is maybe, say you drive to your relatives’ house for Christmas dinner, and you drive for 23 years, no stops to pee, 23 years of driving. After 23 years, you finally pull into their driveway. That’s what this feels like. I reckon. I just looked in the mirror right now, just to make sure I’m still me, that it’s really me this stuff is happening to. Sure looks like me in the mirror! I reckon it’ll look like me on television too, only ten pounds healthier. Thanks for all your good wishes and kind words. Think good musical thoughts for all of us. Letterman. Letterman! Unbelievable.

God bless,

Tommy

The infamous Subway incident.

Before YPS!! became incorporated and an official force to be reckoned with, we were humble bastards with a dream to expose suck-ass packaging and maybe glare at chicks with the suave sophistication of Lurch of the Addams Family (original TV show and not that cinematic bullshit). We liked to keep it real back then. Now that we're scourges of the Earth, all bets are off.

Let us now step back to the vast wasteland and waistband that was the 1990s AD.

The YPS!! staff was on the prowl for a fine eatery and since none were to be found in this one-horse town, we opted for Subway. This was before Jarrod became their sandwich pimp. The good ol' days, if you will. Maybe even the golden years. Maybe.

I'm sure our agenda was filled to the brim and beyond, because rather than bless their establishment with our puritanical presence, we opted for the drive-thru window because we were on the go, go, go. Why "through" becomes "thru" when used in the context of a service window for lazy asses who refuse to get out of their ride yet want to purchase foodstuffs is anyone's guess. In other words, I steered the vehicle into the speaker-laden service window for lazy asses such as ourselves and proceded to give them my order.

Everything was kosher and on the level when I placed my order for a six inch or footlong (I can't remember and they say that size doesn't matter anyway) Spicy Italian. However, the train got derailed when the unsuspecting Subway employee rocking the mic asked me what I wanted on my Spicy Italian. The troublemaking rat bastard riding shotgun uttered a semi-quiet "Speedos."

At that point, I was convulsing with laughter and the poor Subway person was oblivious to the insane jocularity going on in the YPS!!mobile. Not knowing that I was laughing my ass off and gasping for oxygen, the voice over the speaker tried in vain to coax me to finish my order so they could work their sandwich artistry. It was a lost cause. Had we not been lazy asses, it would have been easier to actually go into their sandwich palace to order the shit, because even without free-flowing oxygen to the brain and the ability to speak coherently, I could have at least pointed at the toppings of my desire, which ironicially did not include Speedos or cheese.

As we approached the window-shaped portal where this food for money transaction would take place, I'm relatively sure that the sandwich artist was convinced we'd just escaped from the state hospital and we were seeking the fine eats that only Subway can offer. Regardless, they did seem a tad nervous when we said hello with our US minted currency. It all makes sense, because even in their youth, the YPS!! gang was a dangerous gang of desperadoes. Some things in life never change.

To this day, I always get a tad apprehensive ordering cuisine over a microphone with a certifiable rat bastard riding shotgun. "Always trot your lazy ass inside the establishment" lacks the punch and clarity of "Always use the stall," but it's not such a bad idea.

And I will add that a Spicy Italian sandwich clad in Speedos is a prime example of packaging that sucks!!

And Now, Letterman!!

Straight from Mr. Tommy Womack himself:

Letterman this coming Monday night as part of Todd's band again.

Tune in and tell your friends!

tw

There you go folks!! Tune in and watch Todd Snider and Tommy Womack rip it up!!

Your Read-Out-Loud Packaging SUCKS!!

Quit Horsin' Around!!

Bloggerview!!!

Boys and girls....check out who I got to talk to!!

Thanks Bucky!! Watch out for that Pop Soda Sugar Water Coke, it's a bitch.

[Sorry folks, the 4th post didn't make it through. And my apologies to Bucky and the generous Bloggerviewees before her for not making these longer, 'cause I can hawg a conversation for hours, I just don't wanna hear anybody moaning and bitching about download times.]

Ok, So It Wasn't Entirely Original

If you click the link in the title, some of you may be reminded of a little entry about Simon, my cat. Well, it originally started out as a song, and it was sung before it was written. Here is the original idea...as it unfolded...before it made it to your screen.

Union Jackin'.

Alien Territory

Once On My Way Along The Golden Path

Once on my way along the golden path
strayed did I distracted by your beauty
Never before had I seen such vision
looking back upon the dream I’d witnessed
We lied within merriment and chatter
reveling in the occasion did we
When cobbles are not twenty four carat
never happier or warmer can I be
than when company means us,
you and me

When was it you gave up on your childhood
only to find you could shower in mine
Why does the devil stand on one shoulder
shouting more than the angel on the right
The images come in on firefly wings
quickly dissipate on tiny mist clouds
All I am left with are youthful pastels
lingering from childhood grins and stained chins

Gaze at every worn and mossy stone
I do so not to avoid what’s to come
but rather feel a future memory
whilst still it flitters about your warm face
Only briefly I glance at your image
out of fear that if I drink too long
soon you will be gone into sad absence
I do not keep close company with Greed
nor do I ride alongside Jealousy
But thinks I would slay a thousand or more
should they try to do you wrong or cause pain

Now sadness comes as I lay down my pen
for I know not your name nor have we met
I take deep breath and comfort my weary chest
The will of God has yet to let it be
Until that time
I am already yours

-Mr. Bloggerific Himself, 08172006

What's Black, White, and Blue All Over?

A baaaaaaaaaad dawg caught in the act of being "cute". Normally this is a vicious junkyard beast, with tenacious tendencies and a ripping grip-of-death jaw-clamping bite. What you see pictured here is nothing but despicable cuteness. Just look at the way those ears are turned down in a don’t-beat-me-Big-Dog fashion! See how those eyes look on with faux fear and an artificial ache? It’s a disgusting performance!!

Jack!! Your Cute Puppy Packaging Licks!!

(Sorry, I hate to say “suck” in front of him since he keeps throwing out the bendy straws. I’ve just assumed he either can’t suck, or wants to keep it real. )

(Bow-wow yo. Yippy yay.)

[On a side note: Jack and I continue to practice Yard Mowing Safety. When he gets to close to the mower, I say his name, and then point. He (almost) always walks away in the direction I point.][But he does so in a manly “I knew to walk over here. I was just about to when you pointed” sort of way.]

Oboro Pano

[click me baby, click me!]

It's not a particularly good photo, and it's not particularly pieced together well, and it is a photo of a town that isn't particularly interesting. Sure Owensboro is where Your Packaging Sucks!! is based, but that's pretty much all it's got going for it.

The lyrics below are here not because there's any connection to the photo other than I like that Connick dude and this is a darn fine song.

This was taken from out of the office window I worked in maybe 7-8 years ago. Though the small amount of construction in the bottom is now complete, I'm pretty sure the skyline is EXACTLY the same. So here you are, Owensboro and Harry Connick, Jr. Play us out, Harry.


On The Street Where You Live Lyrics
Performed by: Harry Connick, Jr.
Album: 25

I have often walked down this street before
But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before
All at once am I several stories high
Knowing I'm on the street where you live

Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour out of every door?
No, it's just on the street where you live

And oh, the towering feeling just to know
Somehow you are near
The overpowering feeling that any second
You may suddenly appear

People stop and stare, they don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be
Let the time go by, I don't care if I can be here
On the street where you live

This just in: http://googlesystem.blogspot.com/2006/08/new-blogger.html

Last Year It Was Bottles Of Bubbles In A Row

And this year SpongeBob is thrown out in favor of Harry Potter.

At a birthday party for a friend of Bloggy Jr., even darkly-colored fancy swirls can’t hide the sting from swaying allegiances and revolving characters. But apparently a pack of Pokemon cards still holds value when the hand of presents is revealed.

Squirtle!!

YPS!! and W.A.S.P. Combine Forces

Finally! We done some good with this blog!

SOMEbody might think this blog is all that in German, but it seems we helped someone in Brazil. They Googled "Get on a horse and ride all the way back to L.A." and we gave them one minute and thirty-four seconds of:

This.


You are welcome, Brazil. We're here for ya man! But you know, mostly for the WHOA-mans.

[Sometimes I scare myself. I read this back to myself and instead of my own voice I heard the voice of Earl. You know, of "My Name is Earl". Yeah, I need rest.]

Tommy Womack & Todd Snider - The Tonight Show

Your RAWK Packaging does not suck!!




Holy crap. I hope Todd and Tommy and Co. forgive me, but I HAD to post this image. I'm so sorry, but that shit cracked me up. Loved the song, loved the sound.

Casualties of Whoa

Luck, it’s a funny thing. Despite the last X-number of weeks, I consider myself to be a “lucky man”. We all have our own definitions of “lucky” and of “man” but let’s just go with a loosely-based version of the latter please.

Some time ago I was front row and center lucky. My co-worker found out she had cancer. Though Mom has been in remission for years, I saw how not fun that was for her, and so yeah, I consider myself lucky it wasn’t me. Well, right up until all of her work got moved onto my plate. (I’m gagging on that last statement, but for reasons I won’t go into as it will reflect poorly on me. Gag, gag, double-gag.)

Back even before that incident, back when many of you were still riding around with the heat turned on low in your cars, I realized my AC was out in the car. If you don’t know, I’m the guy that can be sweating while sitting still even though the AC is on 70 degrees. No joke. This heat wave hasn’t been particularly fun for me. But at least my car runs, right?

Last Friday I noticed when I started my car on my way to work it made a funny noise for a second. It still started, but funny noise noted. When I was going to lunch, I noted funny noise #2. Hmmm. After lunch, on the way back to the office, louder funny noise #3 arrived with NO starting of the car. Well, shit. After a couple of tries, Vroom and I’m back at work. When it was time to come home, more noises and more tries would it take to fire the old girl up again. When I pulled into my drive I said, “You’re not going to start in the morning, are you?” She didn’t. Luckily, Bone was doing the driving on the way to and from the Waits show in Nashville. [Additional Note: For those of you not currently or fully aware, Bone Machine is the sort of friend that if even 50% of the world had, we’d be in such a better position. Fortunate is he who has the Bone Machine in their life.] So Saturday morning I had the car towed and a few borrowed bucks later (thanks Daddy) the car is good to go. Well, good to start, I elected not to borrow the $800+ to have the AC fixed.

Yesterday after work I rush to pick up my boy. I decided we’re going to have pizza for dinner on the last day of summer. We’d get up in the morning and I’d drive him to school and walk him to his class. Oops, no milk for the cereal! No problem, we’ll just throw the pizza in the fridge and run to the store. Once we got back home with everything we found out the fridge and freezer are not working. We put the groceries back in the car and dropped them off (minus ice and the milk) at Mom & Dad’s. While taking that and the boy back home to try and chill out so the boy would be in the right mode for school (a bit teary, not really excited) my Dad goes to Lowe’s and picks out a new fridge to be delivered the next day. (thanks Daddy)

This morning I wake the boy and he greats me with smiles and tells me he’s “ready for school!” Whew! Thank goodness. We’re dressed and as we’re heading out, that changes and he clouds up like it had done outside. “Well, YOU don’t go to work and feel like crying!!” I looked at him and smiled. “Yes I do. There are days that things just don’t go the way we’d like them too. And yes, sometimes people cry at work. There have been a few times when I’ve had to sneak in the bathroom because I didn’t want anyone to see.”

“Really?”

“Yep. And until you’ve worked with an office full of WOMEN, don’t assume people don’t cry at work….happens ALL the time. It’s only natural to be nervous about going back to school, and to work, and it’s only natural to feel better by crying.” We go to school and he gets a little teary, but I swear I couldn’t be more proud, or lucky.

When I got to work, I could see from my office door that something was in my chair. I immediately got pissed because I knew it was more work waiting for me. As I got closer I see what you see in the images posted. (thanks Girl with a Bengay Fetish, that’s SOOOOO much better than work)

At lunch just now I stopped at Mom and Dad’s to pick up the chicken nuggets and fat free orange sherbet. I smiled as I remembered to “take a Dr. Pepper with” me like Mom suggested. I’m sipping on it now, tempted by Red Hots, and remembering you all, fondly. (well fondly for some of you, some of you can KISS MY …)

UPDATED!!--WATCH JAY LENO ON 8/9, YPS!!-FAITHFUL.

You would be doing YPS!! a favor, as well as yourself, by checking out the musical guest, Todd Snider, on Jay Leno's show on Wednesday, August 9.

You see, Todd Snider is a great songwriter and well worthy of your attention and consumer dollars. His new album hits the shelves on August 8th and it would be swell if you'd pick up a copy or two.

Perhaps even cooler than all of the above is the fact that none other than Tommy Womack will be performing on said show in Todd's band. You've heard the proprietors of YPS!! praising the genius of Tommy and while he should be performing on national television as a solo artist and author, this is pretty damn cool. If you're asking yourself "Who is this Tommy Womack character that you speak of?" Well shit, you gots to dig through the treasure trove of YPS!!-encrusted niftiness to find the scoop, baby. Better yet, go to Tommy's site and show the man some consumer love by buying any one or preferably all of his damn fine recordings and what goes better with a damn fine recording than a damn fine book...so buy his book, too. And no, we ain't on his payroll.

So set your VCR, program your Tivo, adjust your rabbit ears, do what you have to do to see this performance.

UPDATE!! In the event that you missed it and aren't inclined to read the deeee-luxe commentary, but yet you're mysteriously intrigued by it all, CLICKIT!! Tommy is the blonde gent wearing sunglasses strapped to the Fender Telecaster.

One tired bastage phoning it in from behind the wall of sleep.

Fatigue-ridden vehicular douchebaggery.

Holiday Greetings from YPS!!

Happy Mustard Day, Fokkers!!

Hopefully, the Ryman Auditorium will have tasty big ass historic concert venue pretzels that can be doused in mustard to celebrate the day as the YPS!! staff make the pilgrimage to see Tom Waits.

UPDATED: Brat, Bone & Bloggy: At The Vortex that is Owensboro

Ky Brat made it up from Florida for a visit recently and three of us had lunch together. The wait staff was quite excited when we were exiting the building.

Happy Birthday Theresa from YPS!! and...

It's a tad bit early so get your regards in time for the day of days.

Today's YPS!! Stress Relief Word of the Day is:

Shucky Darn!!

If You Give a Kid a Camera

He’ll want to take pictures. He’ll capture star field simulations, and self-portrait smiles stretching the width of the world. He’ll show you action-packed adventures next to vacationing toes. He may even teach you of propulsion with his ceiling fan engine as it powers its paper plane to other dimensions.

If you give a kid a camera, he’ll show you how he sees it.