I Always Feel Like...Sucky Packaging is Watching Me

Tres Ghosts of Sucky Packaging Past
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My What a Nice Basket You Have!!

What kind of Easter basket is this anyway?! It's crimped AND glued! Talk about cheap!!
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Incoherence of Packaging Passion

I am by no means, a pretzel connoisseur. I only KNOW one pretzel. I only LOVE one pretzel.

Summer lunches always meant Dr. Pepper, hot dogs and pretzels. Not just any pretzel of course, but THE pretzel. Oh sure, others came and went. Sour dough? Nuh uh. Mustard? Nope. Pretzel bites? Nah. Don’t need any garlic-peanut-buttered-anchovy-soy-tofu-yogurt-jalapeño flavoring. Just the pretzel, and nuttin’ but the pretzel. Just give me them twisty knot ones or the sticks. And can I get an “Oh yeah!” when I mention…Rold Gold? Uh huh, I thought so. Crisp, crunchy, salty: and FRESH. Yeah, it’s all good when it comes to the Rold Gold.

Now I must admit, once in a while I venture out into what is lovingly referred to as the Big Ass Stadium Pretzel. These are like Hoss Cat sized with a little bit of crunch and a whole lot of soft, and salt like it was meant to be…covering the surface of the food on which it is placed. Warm! I left out the warm factor of the BASP, sorry about that oversight. Warm! (There, I gave it a second nod.) But still, to me, nothing like a nice bag of Rold Gold. Well except of course for those black-silo pretzel-filled containers of delight. Now that is some packaging! After removing the imperfect outer plastic rap, just pop off the cap and poor, oh, wait, let me try that again. After removing the imperfect outer wrap, just pop off the cap and remove the inner imperfect plastic seal…and poor yourself a cap full of the freshest, cutest little pretzels you’ve ever had. Yep, Rold Gold, in the black-silo container! Yeah baby!

Speaking of snacks, I’m still mad at the Ferrara Pan folks. Mad for taking away good packaging and replacing it with sucky! What were they thinking when they took away the nicely-resealable box and replaced it with a box that’s glued shut? Sheesh! At one time, you could flip open the box, snag a few of the molten goodies and slam it shut without fear of spillage. But years ago, some packaging madman decided to glue all the boxes closed. Great, just great…not only can you not close your box all snug and shit, but now you can’t get a good quality kazoo sound by blowing in one end of it. Ferrara Pan? You folks got some good candy with some packaging that sucks!!

This was probably the brainchild of the same brilliant mind that decided all blank CDs should be wrapped in plastic WITHIN the plastic-wrapped spindle. That’s for freshness I guess. And what’s the deal with those tiny-ass plastic donuts they put on top of the spindle?? Not like you can eat them, they’re too small really to be good Frisbees. Hell, my dog doesn’t even want to choke and gag on them, so you know they suck.

And you know, if Amazon filled those little internal shipping airbag thingies with helium, would the stuff I spent hours and hours picking out ship at a lower rate? It would be lighter, easier to manage! And why do book vendors on Half.com insist on wrapping my books in this blue newsprint type stuff? Do they expect this stuff to actually protect my precious copy of “Tuesday?” I think not!

Back to food stuffs; why is it practically necessary to use scissors to get a Happy Meal toy out of the plastic bag it comes in? Is McDonald’s not aware that I am weak and puny and unable to open the plastic without causing my ears to swell up like an elephant due to the intense stretching and tugging on my Happy Meal bag? (hehe, “Swelling due to intense stretching and tugging on my Happy Meal bag” sounds like the disclaimer tattoo on my scrotum.)

Now that we’re off my scrotum, do I really have to pay for all that sugar that pees out of the cheap-ass paper bag all throughout the store? Have there been no packaging technology improvements to the “bag” that could prevent the spilling of this valued substance?

Jolly Ranchers; Have you seen the new packaging? It’s *almost* from bad to worse. The days of peeling tiny shards of plastic wrap off of a partly melted Jolly Rancher are practically gone my friends! Yes, now instead of getting a headache making sure each shred of plastic is gone, you can get your headache by fighting with the foil and plastic combo medicine-tray-type deal. Oh yeah, that’s better.

Easy Cheese? (OK, maybe that’s packaging that blows.)

Happy Hoppin’ Easter everyone!! And may your basket be Sucky Packaging free!!

Thanks Easter Bunny, bock bock!

Where Oh Where, Has Our Little Blogger Gone?

All Stocked Up for the Good of the Blog.
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Despite all His Rage, He's No Young Billy Corgan - Beware the Pumpkin Vampire
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When the Blog's technical prowess gets all weighted down and doesn't work as it should, it holds up the jackassity and intellectual genius that YPS!! bestows upon its patrons. This is a symbolic pictorial. I think the poor bastard is saying "Now this shit ain't gonna work..." and haven't we all said similar things while waiting for the Blog to work. 

ODE TO A BULLDOG

Bone Machine I require your assistance. The year? 1985 by chance?

This, to a high school English teacher, written in high school...As is, no edits...runs, drips, erros and all:

ODE TO A BULLDOG


Ah, the drippings of your own drool swing from the bottom of your jowls, as if a mad dog.

And your breath of a two-days past decapitated pigeon (wings not included). The stools
thee has left behind have long since hardened and become as ivory, fertilizing the
soil as they pollute the air with their foul stench.


Thyne toenails unattended to as they are, have grown so and curled so as to turn
under and pierce thy worn and tattered pads.


Ye howling, growing lonely as the day grows old. And the lovely snout, hath not the happy
up'turned appearance of the early days.


And as if to make thee life worsen and to add to all the troubles that befall, that
man. . .that beast. . . that deliverer and carrier of mail, now carries a much worse
enemy, worse than death itself. . . . mace!

. . . Yet thee proceed to live and carry out your task. . .

BITCH.

Remember when....

We used to like post shit here, and like, sort of talk and shit?? Ah, so long ago.

A prime example of kick ass packaging in nature. Here we see a cactus offering its opinion on the subject of Toby keith. Even plant life thinks he's a schmuck. 

Pair-O-Dee Stick-Hers!
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Ding Dong the Wicked Packaging’s Not Dead

Ah, the dinner table. Some claim it’s not what it used to be. They’d tell you that back when, the family would always gather ‘round the dinner table and talk of the day’s events. Now and then the kids would even sit at the table, doing their homework, while Mom slung hash and asked you if you wanted her to sing “Goodnight Irene” to you at bedtime. Every night had it’s repeated arguments over who got the last roll and “why does SHE always get to sit where SHE can see the TV?!” Whatever the turmoil, it was always with love and an extra-helping if you were lucky.

Dinner-table-moments of long ago, often offered up a homemade cake, or even something store-bought. Who could ever forget a nice Hostess Ding Dong to finish off a lovely Dill Burger dinner? Who could ever forget how those wonderful little goodies, with their soft chocolaty cake and creamy center, came in FOIL wrapping? It was shear joy in a tiny package. First, the challenge: Unwrap the Dingy Dong, while keeping the foil in ONE piece. Are you up to the challenge? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE CHALLENGE!! Next, the second challenge: With your teeth, remove the nearly crunchy chocolate edge all the way around, without biting cake. Oh yeah, we’re talking supreme dexterity, nerves of steel, and black shit caked in your teeth for days. Once you were done devouring the dainty Ding Dong delicacy your mind was able to flip through the Card Catalogue of Ding Dong Foil Uses. It was a mighty index, and a healthy one too. It had a lot of wear and tear, and particularly on one card of interest: Cat Toys.

You knew before you even consulted the index of indexes that it would come to this and you’re hands prepared themselves for it early on in the event. Ready. Wait for it, wait for it. And…WAD! (Hey now, don’t put your hand down there, this is a family blog!) Yes! Success! You’ve just made the perfect Ding Dong Foil Ball and can be ready to launch the projectile at the family feline at a second’s notice. But wait! You’re still at the dinner table; the nice, smooth, flat surface that it is…you quickly refer back to the card “Cat Toys” from the Card Catalogue of Ding Dong Foil Uses and feel justified and reassured that you remembered the footnote properly. Which reads, “Can be formed into cube with nice, smooth, flat surfaces.”

Immediately you begin to press firmly, but not too firmly, against the table until flat on one side. Giving a quarter turn, you repeat until you have a loverly cube. Oh, wait, crap…it’s more of a shoebox shape. Ah, who cares? The cat won’t unless you leave a dent with one of those tight-ass corners you just created!!! Awe yea momma, looking for some kitty action tonight! Uh huh! Meow meOUCH!!

Then you raise up from the table, reach for your napkin to mop your sweated brow and notice, it’s no longer there. What the? You look around; no one else is at the table. There’s no longer FOOD on the table. Mom’s not even sweatin’ to the oldies while finishing the dishes! Holy CRAP! They’re in the living room and Mork & Mindy is….OVER!

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP *click* “5:00 am already? Whew! It was just a dream, I didn’t REALLY miss Mork & Mindy! But I’d still like to Nano Nano that Mindy. hehe Guess I better get my ass up and have some coffee so I can head to work. Oh joy.”

*stops in bathroom*

*pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee*
*looks at clock, 5:30*
*flush*

*passes table and gets coffee, feeds nice doggy, heads to do email, passes table and sees box of Ding Dongs*


“Mmm, Ding Dongs. Eh, might as well.”

*Grabs one out of the box*

“FUCKING PLASTIC WRAP!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!! WHAT THE FUCK EVER FUCKING HAPPENED TO THE FUCKING FOIL FUCKING WRAPPING FUCK FUCK FUCK!! GO AND FUCKING FUCKUP UP A GOOD FUCKING THING WHEN YA FUCKING HAVE ONE WHY DON’T YOU FUCKHEADS? FUCK! IT WAS FUCKING FOIL! WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH THE FUCKING FOIL?? I LOVED THE FUCKING FOIL! MY FUCKING CAT LOVED THE FUCK OUT OF SOME FUCKING FOIL! YOU FUCKED THE SHIT UP WHEN YOU FUCKING TOOK THE FUCKING FOIL AWAY AND GAVE US THIS SUCKY PACKAGING!!

“Damn, this is a damn good Ding Dong.”

*removes chocolate edge, but bites cake*

“FUCK!”

Rib It.

Yo Swampy! - It's Frog Time!
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A Reading of 5-7-5

Ouch, my eyes

from my phone!

Titilating Packaging at its finest.  

Sometimes this Sucks!!

Well sometimes whenever I try to open my, umm, umm, *yawn* fruit snacks, they just rip, and that sucks. ha ha ha ha ha!

Ehehe, funny.

I made a funny, I made a funny!

-Son of Mr. Bloggerific Himself, "Poo Poo"

Ooh, I have another funny!

Yesterday I made a cootie and my dad told me “I love you!” and I said, “COOTIE!” And Dad said, “I don’t have cooties!” And I said, “I MADE a cootie, not you have them!”

-Son of Mr. Bloggerific Himself, "Poo Poo"

It's the weekend, go crazy. 

(Ouch, my eyes.) Ensemble Cast

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Packaging Perfection.

The cardboard zipper on this baby…”kickin’”. The inner individual-plastic-sleeves-for-freshness…”divine”. The not-overloaded-with-unwanted-and-unnecessary-information colorful covering…”classy”.

There’s no hard-to-open plastic here.

No yellow-and-blue crap.

Not even an annoyingly loud crunchy-crackly cheap plastic tray inside to fight with on each access.

What am I talking about? What is this slice of packaging heaven of which I speak?

Gladly I’ll tell you.

I speak of Girl Scouts Thin Mints.

Oh yeah baby! Now that’s something to get up for in the morning! Good packaging, good snack, good day.

[Please Note: Samoas were not tested for packaging perfection because they sooooo do not compare to the Thin Mint.]