Broke-In Packaging

It's True, I'm a Whiner

I still can’t believe it myself. It’s quite the shock, when I stop reeling, to think about it. I mean, really? You want me to do…what?

Of course, as you can imagine, I accepted straight away. I mean, who in their right mind could pass up such a golden opportunity? No one, I dare say. No. One.

So straight after the initial proposal was made, I used some of my former training and echoed back what I heard, as I understood it. After all, one can’t jump to conclusions in these situations. One must be relatively certain, without a doubt, that they indeed know what it is that is being put on the table. Without this, chaos.

At this time, I shall not divulge too much for fear of putting a jinx on “the project.” But I will go so far as to offer this:

Yours truly, has not only been invited to create a rough draft of an actual wine bottle label, BUT…the draft has been well received. The words “they LOVED it!” were used, and more than once. If my label design is chosen, I will have taken part in the actual packaging of a product. Let’s hope the packaging of this wine doesn’t suck. The Gnome has been notified and will inspect without hesitation and according to the guidelines set before him.

I hope to post the final version at some point, no matter the outcome.

Wish me luck!

The critics have spoken...

Quote of the Day (weekend edition)

"With all of the car bombing going on, I'm guessing that remote starters and chauffers have become really popular in the Middle East."

But This Wall Has Peepholes

I thumb the theory of what separates monkey and man
It’s popping pills and falsehoods
Not digits

It bothers me that I didn’t notice the inverted fan grill
Though I know that it matters not
Wondering how much Uncle paid for his florescent bulbs
Some thirty years ago
And it confuses me why it took them so long to make them this small
Give it a screw
Give it a twist

Ignore the cat long enough
And it’s kisses to nibbles
Nibbles to bites

I’m alright with how the day has begun
Though just outside that door is humidity,
The need for humility
It will carry on with work galore
And a constant yammering from the officemate
I’ll dream of a silver bell in one hand to ring
Just before I strike with a big stick
The thought of which gives me a Grinch smile
And I don’t give a damn

The bills they swoop
Like paper dragons aloft
Breathing fire on the too-few dollars that keep them at bay
Yet I dare not change a thing

Look back at the circumstances that got you here
Things you’d change, things you’d steer clear
And it’s the same as it ever was
As I quote myself and steal from others

The forwarded optimism cuts the silence
I shake my head in disbelief
And me thinks the lady doth protest too much

I smell the unwelcome summer green
A green that accompanies nasal destruction
General irritability
Mother Nature is under construction

Listening to the Ministry can’t flip the switch that’s already flipped
But it seems to fit the mood
Finds its own groove
The smoke of distaste and revulsion seep in
Make the poison of hatred and resentment
And the day has just begun

But this wall has peepholes
And I see you for who you are
Even when you wish I didn’t
I wish the same
Why you do not find comfort that at least you are “in there” I’ll never know

But this wall has peepholes
Are they one-way?

_mr. bloggerific himself, may262006

Go to HAIL!!

Here you go! As tornado alley tightens its grip on this area, here are a couple of chunks that decided to visit a friend of mine's truck up close and personal like.

The War Against Sucky Packaging Lingers On.

Just when you thought it was safe to fondle satisfactory packaging, along comes a fine product with packaging that sucks!! I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes at the packaging schtick, but to the small percentage of deviants that stroll by to get reports from the frontline on the war against sucky packaging, I say read on.

Unlike me, you're constantly on the go and don't have a lot of time to fuck around trying to open an uncooperative package when there is so much to do in life, such as reading the obnoxious banter at YPS!!. Now that the gnome is on house arrest for indecent exposure in front of a flock of nuns, we're not constantly being called to bail him out of his latest fracas. I've got time on my hands to research suck ass packaging and bring you, the YPS!! faithful, this report.

While wandering aimlessly through the extensive home office of YPS!!, I decided that I would give my On The Go variety of Crystal Light lemonade a whirl. I grabbed my vacated water bottle, a package of the beverage mix, and away I went to the executive water fountain to mix up a wicked brew. Having dealt with similar mixes in the past, I wasn't expecting the procedure to be mentally debilitating or remotely strenuous.

I was wrong...again.

Since I am largely illiterate and have an attention span that is essentially non-existent now that I am in my twilight years of life, I couldn't be bothered with mixing instructions. In my mind, it was as simple as A + B = C.

I was wrong...yet again.



I put the components along the water fountain for easy access during assembly. Everything was coming up roses at this stage. At this particular moment, I wasn't hating life but as is the norm with me, that part was on the horizon. I attempted to open the packet of powdered goodness that would incite a flavor riot as soon as it hit the water and received a proper throttling. Shaken, not stirred.

I ripped the packet open but there was a package malfunction. Not the kind of thing that would lead to the outrage of spontaneous nipple exposure on national television, but a few notches shy of that particular mark. I attempted to pour the powder and no dice. Okay. This isn't quite the result that I was seeking, so I went for attempt number two to free the imprisoned powder and send it on a nautical excursion down the Sea of Saliva.



The "tear here" portion was successfully removed, but it didn't allow access into the pit of powder. At this point, a smart man would have filled his water bottle with bootleg water, gathered the components, and regrouped in the hostile tranquility that is Disgraceland. However, this was war. More importantly, the experience might lead to some shit about packaging for YPS!!.

While I stood there with a few options before me, I chose the option of trying to rip open the package in a fashion that didn't reflect the designated fault line. The scene must have been similar to a demented dingo trying to open a ziploc bag. The only difference is that I am profanity-equipped.

A few low-grade vulgarities were muttered when the ripping procedure didn't quite go as planned. I tried a rip perpendicular to the previous attempt that resulted in failure. This time, it worked...sort of. It gave me access to the powder, but it did not create a directional spout of flavor. Instead, it was more of a scattergun effect with powder going on my hand, on the water fountain, some of it wanted to stay inside the packet like a stubborn Branch Davidian, but some of it actually went in the bottle.

Hot damn tamale, Ahab!

I eventually coaxed out the remaining powder that wanted to stay behind for the good times and tossed it into the water before tightly securing the cap and taking out my aggressions by shaking the hell out of it. On a normal day, this would have been a supremely annoying experience, but I was damn near exploding with simulated glee that it might lead to something vaguely packaging-related.

Crystal Light, your On The Go product kicks ass but...

¡Su Empaquetado Aspira!!
Votre Empaquetage Suce ! !
Ваш Упаковывать Всасывает! !
Uw Verpakking zuigt! !
Η συσκευασία σας απορροφά! !
Il Vostro Imballaggio Succhia! !
Seu Empacotar Suga! !

However you happen to say it on your plot of ground, the sentiment is always the same...YOUR PACKAGING SUCKS!!

Papa Bone.

Mr. Machine, you're the proud father of...two birds.

I was recently milling about in one of our interactive television classrooms at work when I noticed a bird's nest on the window sill. Figuring it was leftover from last year, I didn't pay much attention. At some point, I was back in that room and decided to take a look-see into the nest and sure enough, there were a couple of eggs. I started making jokes about passing out cigars when the blessed event occurred and eventually sending the birds off to college, which seems odd since they're residing on the window sill of a college but what the hell. The parental jokes became a near constant thing and eventually the co-workers began checking in on my kids. I thought I was going to have to bring some litigation into play as I don't think some of these folks have been granted visitation rights. At some point, someone replaced the eggs with two slimy things that looked sort of like fishing bait, but a few days later, I looked out and another switcheroo had taken place and the bait was all feathery and bird-like. Since the custody battle has been brutal and I have to visit when the winged mother is away on business, I snapped a photo before they leave the nest and break my heart by shitting all over my car.

'Twas A Snack Affair

Piss Upon It.

Damn The Torpedoes.

I am relatively sure that I've mentioned this crap before, but I can't remember if I had photographic evidence of the end result of packaging that sucks(!!). I sashayed my ass to another building to acquire a snack since my salad only goes so far nutritionally speaking. I opted for a pouch of Animal Crackers and this is what I found when I looked inside after the vending machine manhandled the shit and let it plummet to the cavernous pit below:



It looks like Noah's Ark was hit with a torpedo and parts of this animal intermingling with parts of that animal. It was a hell of a mess. Probably Cap'n Crunch's fleet getting all hopped and trigger happy with the promise of shore leave, so they're taking it out on any nautical snack food within sight.

In the event that the previous photo did not provide enough evidence. Here's some of the assorted asses, heads, and animal parts salvaged from the pouch:



Austin Animal Crackers...Your packaging sucks!!

OS Packaging Blues

Once in a while, even I get lucky. No, not that kind of lucky, but the “Eh, that was cool” kinda lucky.

Today, one of our Spanish speaking employees calls and leaves a message for me while I’m at jury duty. He tells me his computer must have a virus or something, because he cannot get into Windows. Normally this is when I’d say “crap” under my breath. But you see, as I said before, I’d just gotten back from jury duty and even though it was like 10am, I was READY for lunch. As it turns out, he was at one of our locations in town that just happens to be 3 blocks from my house. You know, the place where I EAT LUNCH. Hmmm.

So I take a computer with me, swap it with his dead one, get him going on the new PC and head home for an early lunch.

When I get back to the office with the computer, I remember that this is one of the few people out in the field that actually creates documents with his computer. It’s rare, but he has the ability to create and edit documents, and actually SAVE them to his hard drive. But he doesn’t go so far as to back them up to the network. So, in a nutshell, here’s how his butt was saved:

1. I connected his PC to keyboard, mouse, monitor and a net connection
2. Confirmed that indeed, the machine would not boot into Windows
3. Inserted a German flavor of Linux into the CD-ROM, closed the tray and turned off the machine.
4. Turned on the machine and allowed it to boot from the CD, rather than the trashed hard drive
5. Attempted to use a thumb drive to backup all of his data files, but while I could see the files on the thumb drive, I could not copy the files to the drive for whatever reason
6. Opened up a German language internet browser and figured out how to change the settings to allow me to connect to the internet. Since using the German OS, the keyboard layout is also a German format. Keys like “@” and “-“ are not in the same place. Nice.
7. Connected to my home email account and just before emailing his files to myself, realized that my account would not allow more than 5 megs of data to be sent in one message
8. Attempted to log into Gmail.com, no such luck
9. Logged into my work email account (last resort because I despise our web-based email interface) and when I went to type in my own email address, I remembered the keyboard layout was different, so I opened up an existing email message from someone and copied the “@” symbol from their address and pasted it into a new message to myself
10. Attached the files and hit send
11. Backed up said files to the network in the proper spot, emailed the employee their location AND made a backup on CD for him

Thank you to the makers of GamesKNOPPIX, a CD bootable flavor of Linux, your OS Packaging does not Suck!!

And now, I’m off to reformat the old hard drive and reinstall….Windows.

The Bases Were A Loaded Potato

And the stands, the aluminum foil wrapped tight, keeping things hot. It was the Bacon Bits vs. the Blocks of Cheese, and the action steamy and molten. In the end, the Bits made sour cream of the Cheeseheads in a 12 broccoli clumps to 5 chopped chives. Tune in for a post-Monday spin on the Bacon Bits vs. the Cooked Carrots.

This evening’s Side DISH, brought to you by the smells and aromas of the All American Baseball Concession Stand where just a few bucks gets you indigestion on a bun.

It’s Tradition

Well, the elementary school is winding down as the end of second grade is in sight. Summer. Ahhhhhhh.

I remember the feeling of “summer”. Like many things, as we get older, it’s lost some of the magic. Back then, summer meant so much more.

But during the transition, the twilight of the school year, one has tradition to fall back on, to steady the course. Procedure and protocol go a long way to ensure stability and civility.

This morning as we were heading to the car on the way to school, I brought up a subject the boy and I discuss from time-to-time. It’s a subject that will continue to be part of our lives. Like some parents, I make a point to draw a line between fantasy and reality.

The blogosphere just came to a screeching halt. Screeeeech! I know what you’re all thinking: “Bloggy is in touch with reality?! Yeah, RIGHT!”

Since the early days, I’ve always spent a few minutes here and there to point out to the boy that while things may happen on the screen in a cartoon, that doesn’t mean it’s ok for them to happen in real life. Just because they blow up a school on an episode of Billy & Mandy, that’s not an instructional manual to go out and actually do that. It’s just the writer’s imagination at work, and it’s perfectly fine as long as that’s as far as it goes.

After this reminder, I then proceeded to tell the boy how, a long time ago, some guy named “Alice Cooper” gained more popularity after making a song called “School’s Out.” I explained how it became an anthem, a celebratory march into the freedoms of summer. We may not have listened to it all day, everyday of the summer, but we listened and when we did, we grew just a little bit taller and walked with just a little more easiness. The summer was ours. Our brains were ready to exhale the bad breath of school, and inhale lungfuls of summer relief.

Play us out Al, play us out.

School's Out

-Alice Cooper

Well we got no choice
All the girls and boys
Makin all that noise
'Cause they found new toys
Well we can't salute ya
Can't find a flag
If that don't suit ya
That's a drag

School's out for summer
School's out forever
School's been blown to pieces

No more pencils
No more books
No more teacher's dirty looks

Well we got no class
And we got no principles
And we got no innocence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes

School's out for summer
School's out forever
School's been blown to pieces

No more pencils
No more books
No more teacher's dirty looks

Out for summer
Out till fall
We might not go back at all

School's out forever
School's out for summer
School's out with fever
School's out completely

Quote for your Thursday.

"There is nothing to be seen and heard at 8am that can't be seen and heard at a later and more user-friendly hour."


The late edition -or- This just in...

"If it's this slow tomorrow, I got dibs on the Ladies Home Journal that's in the hall."

Your Packaging is Da Bomb!!

Your Coaster Packaging.....SUCKS!!

Since Christmas, the boy and I have been playing a lot of RollerCoaster Tycoon 3. You can play pre-designed parks, or you can custom make the parks the way you like. We really enjoy creating these huge blocks of earth and making waterfalls cascade down them. We’ve pretty much done it all in the game. Hire and fire janitors, mechanics & costumed character actors, build nearly every kind of ride from kiddy rides to the big and bad coasters, open up cotton candy shops, umbrella stands and burger joints and we’ve even added fog and fire in places that just really NEED fog and fire. It’s a blast.



These images show things we hadn’t toyed with just yet. In each you can almost see how I moved the entrance from ground-level all the way to the top of one of our standard waterfall areas. Instead of “peeps” (that’s what paying customers are called in the game) appearing magically outside the gate in a neighboring field and walking into the park…in this new park they POOF themselves on top of this mountain….and then enter the park. You can see how that would be a BIG improvement. You can also see hints of a chairlift ride and of a jet ski ride. The boy is going to freak now that we know how to do all these new things! (OH, and I nearly forgot! Instead of seeing fields for days beyond our park, I now know how to change the surrounding area to other scenes. Woo hoo!)



At this new park I’ve been learning with, as a customer or peep, you essentially would be getting out of your car just outside the gate. Next you’d find yourself magically transported to a manmade hill where you have to buy a ticket to get into the park. Next you have to descend the hill either by stairs, elevator, or by the chairlift in order for the fun to begin. It’s all rather impressive to the average peep, I can assure you. And if you were to puke after one of our titillating rides, we have janitors-a-plenty to clean it up. When done, you can even ride a chairlift back to the exit.



But truly, and I don’t have a picture of this yet, what I don’t like about the game is the packaging. I know that surprises you one and all, but I don’t. It’s one of those icky cardboard-gatefold-ecco-pack type deals. I hate these things. There’s no real way to keep the case closed so the base easily hinges open and exposes the disc. THE very thing you use for hours upon end could easily be damaged with the slightest of hinge-flipping action. Also, the very cool ring-bound instruction manual just slides into this crappy cardboard box. With each retrieval of the box, “slip and FWAP” goes the manual.



Despite endless hours of designing roller coasters (that you can share with friends!), Atari…Your Packaging SUCKS!!

Straight from the House of

Straight from the House of Canton: The food is sure to be good, but the day? She'sa long one

KICK OUT THE JAMS, MOTHERFU...uh, make that Happy Mother's Day.

I will expose one of the last remaining bits of warmth in my icy, black heart and wish all of the mothers in this thinning crowd a very happy Mother's Day. When you think of packaging, yo' mama was your original packaging before you were rolled out onto the showroom floor of life ready to be gobbled up, digested, and shit out like a human-shaped piece of Play-Doh on the other side of the world's Fun Factory.

So take a moment to acknowledge your respective mothers and if at all possible, give them a hug, a word or two of thanks for all that they've done for you including all of the shit that you've put them through, or think about some happy times that you shared with your mother.

To my mother, to your mother, to the mothers in the reading audience and to everyone else's mother, I say SA-LUTE!!

The Anatomy of a BBQ Festival -or- Haze for Daze

Since the cheap bastards at the local paper, the Messenger-Inquirer, don't allow free access to the news website, the staff at YPS!! have decided to let you know what's going on in Owensboro this weekend.


Not much.

So, instead, we give you the Anatomy of an International Bar-B-Que Festival.

6. The RiverPark Center. (Artsy Fartsy plays and music and crud.)

5. The downtown parking structure. (Also used for jury duty participants.)

4. Tree-lined walk next to the lovely Ohio River. (Blue bridge not in photo.)(Duh.)

3. Unimportant downtown businesses.

2. Mexican restaurant with outdoor terrace/bbq festival stage for bad cover bands.

1. The larger section of the actual festival. BBQ, mutton, cotton candy, funnel cakes, rides, beer gardens, rednecks and lots and lots of smoke and haze.

Image shown is updated every few minutes here should your curiousity be peaked.
[Disclaimer: Camera rotates. Image may not appear as above. Blue Bridge is often visible from camera. End disclaimer here.]

If you have any links to webcams in YOUR town, the staff of YPS!! heartily encourages you to share them (and any spare change you might have). Plastic forks and Band-Aids also appreciated.

Social Distortion

Mornin’!

I wanted to do another music related post, maybe one a little less “Oh Fences” than the last, but still with lyrics. I found the lyrics I wanted and when I went to give this post a title I thought, “Now how can you do better than the name of the band?” And I couldn’t, so I didn’t bother.

This is an extremely wunnerful band and this is a kick-ass track from them that’s very typical of what they do. It’s safe to say that if you don’t dig this one, you won’t dig the rest.

Seems like most bands hate labels, but they always get stuck with them anyway. I’d label these boys “Rockabilly Punk.” But whatever you calls ‘em, you can’t easily beat ‘em.

To me this is one of those classic, “No matter how far you go, you always end up in the same place” type songs. What a weird fucked-up feeling. Nothing more than disappointing, and yet sickly comforting - but it’s a good fit for this weekend.

Enjoy a little Social Distortion in your life. Accept it, and hell, make some of your own.

Crank it!


Story of My Life

-Social Distortion

High school seemed like such a blur,
I didn't have much interest in sports or school elections.
And in class I dreamed all day, 'bout a rock 'n' roll weekend.

And the girl in the front of the room,
So close yet so far y'know she never seemed to notice,
That this silly school-boy crush wasn't just pretend.

Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is right.
Close your eyes and then it's past - story of my life.
Story of my life.
Story of my life.
Story of my life.

And I went down to my old neighborhood,
The faces have all changed, there's no one left to talk to.
And the pool hall I loved as a kid is now a 7-11.

I went downtown to look for a job,
I had no training, no experience to speak of.
I looked at the holes in my jeans and turned and headed back.

Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is right.
Close your eyes and then it's past - story of my life.
Story of my life.
Story of my life.
Story of my life.

Good times come and good times go,
I only wish the good times would last a little longer.
I think about the good times we had and why they had to end.

So I sit at the edge of my bed,
I strum my guitar and I sing an Outlaw love song.
Thinkin' bout what you're doin' now and when you're comin' back.

Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is right.
Close your eyes and then it's past - story of my life.

Story of my life.
Story of my life.
Story of my life.
Story of my life.
Story of my life.

Buttered, or Plain?

Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey.

Bone Machine's Gizzard Causes Stir With Department of Justice

...film at 11

Also in the news, I thought this was an interesting tie-in to a previous post.

When Bloggy Says the F-Word

Now, it’s nothing unusual for me to let loose with a foul word here and there (and here, and there, and here and there). Sometimes it’s my way of steering the conversation. Sometimes it’s just for fun. Sometimes it’s from the rage and fire within.

This morning C and A were talking here in the office and… I always do this…annoyingly so… I interrupted them. I overheard the last few words of C’s sentence and I burst into her office with, “Amen to that!”

After a reluctant chuckle or two, C explained that a little girl had caused her 5 year old son some embarrassment when she laughed at him for riding his bike with training wheels. I felt bad, but then she went on to add that “and we did too.” By we I assumed she meant herself and her hubby.

I took the opportunity to step in for the boy and in and jokingly said, “Now you know you can’t embarrass or shame a boy into learning to ride his bike. Let him do it in his own time.”

C, the mother, laughed and A joined in. “Didn’t you watch Andy Griffith as you were growin’ up?”, I asked in defense.

C offered that, “What’s he supposed to do when they make fun of him for staying inside all day playing video games and getting on the computer?”

“He can tell them FUCK YOU when they call him for tech support.”

And with their hearty laughter, I exited stage left.
____________________________

It’s all a balancing act. We do what we can and just when we think we wouldn’t be noticed even for a second if we vanished off the face of the earth, the people nearest us slip off the barrel of life. Even if you’re the mischievous little shit at the bottom, ready to pull the plank out from the rest as you leave, someone WILL notice your absence…and it just might not be with as much relief as you think. So carry on, you, and try not to step on someone's fingers that may be holding on for dear life, but don't be too bashful to yank out a handful of hair should you need to cling on just a bit tighter.

"Years In Seconds" - Mental Packaging

I keep forgetting to "pull out the Tan Gent" *cough* to alert our lovely viewers that discretion is advised. I decided that since Effie's blog has been a kind and generous host to a recent couple of poetic attempts, that maybe I would annoy the pee water out of you guys with a spoken performance. Headphones and coffee are recommended.

This is also a good time to point out that Ky Brat has a new contributor. Let's welcome her and cringe until we find out what that blog is morphing into. The change started with a poem...

Quote of the Day (Sinkhole duh Mi-Oh edition)

"Got fuck? Ask not. Fuck not. Say it with fuck!"

The Dead Cell Scrolls --or-- Take Off, Eh Part 2

Back from the Dead --or-- Take Off, Eh Part I

Tickets Please.

UPDATED: Your Technological Packaging Sucks!! --or-- Take Off, Eh?! Parts 3 & 4

Part 3:

Part 4:

It is unlikely that you are wondering “What would Bloggy post at 5am in the morning if he hasn’t slept for the past 2 hours?” But even if you are wondering, after listening to these two audio posts, you may still be wondering.

Basically, unless Audioblogger gets generous and unleashes Parts 1 & 2, you’re stuck with parts 3 &4…and 4 was just me bitching that I didn’t know what happened to 2/3s of the post. I attempted to create 3 sections of audio with 1 call. At the end of that call I realized only one section actually made it to the blog.

None of this makes any sense, it’s early, and maybe it’ll just be fun to post what IS available and confuse the shit out of the masses.

_____

(Famouser, and famouser!!)

Quote of the Day (Mexican Labor Day +1)

"If the blood made wine, I hate to think what makes the beer."